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Sticks and Carrots!

September 30, 2008

As I make my way through this thing we call life, I do my best to keep myself up to date on politics and current events in general. I myself have no tolerance for ignorance, so I find it a necessity to remain as informed as possible. This is why I read up on nearly every politically charged news story I run across. I’m a republican, and I doubt that will change, but as a citizen of these United States, I find it beneficial to at least attempt to understand how the other half of the country feels.

Well, imagine my surprise the other day when I was giving myself the gift of knowledge and I read that BHO (or otherwise known as Barack Hussein Obama) wants to deal with Iran with sticks and carrots. Surely I had read that wrong…but no…I had in fact read it correctly. Sticks and carrots. I could feel my brain starting to bleed.

Clearly, as a republican I am not a huge fan of BHO. I’d venture to say I am the anti-fan of BHO. I don’t want him to die or anything…although I can’t say I’d be sad if he did. I know, how harsh of me. But seriously, there are a lot of people on this earth who could die and it wouldn’t phase me one single bit. Sean Penn for instance. If a shark ate his head off, I wouldn’t cry. Or the guy from the MAC commercials…if he got syphillis and didn’t get it treated and went insane and died, I wouldn’t mourn. Or if Sally Field kicked the bucket because she forgot to take her osteroperosis meds and broke herself falling down a flight of stairs…I wouldn’t feel pangs of saddness.

Anyway, you get my point. Back the main issue: Sticks and carrots! First, he never explains what we’re going to do WITH the sticks and carrots. Are we going to light a bonfire with the sticks and sit in a circle and hold hands and sing songs until we all love each other? Cause that’s just gay if you ask me. And what about the carrots? Something tells me we’re not gonna get the Iranians to give up their nuclear quest with a veggie platter. I mean…maybe if the veggie platter came with some kick-ass ranch dip, then MAYBE I could see how that would work. Otherwise I don’t think the arabs will be wooed by carrots and celery. And for the love of God, don’t put broccoli on the platter. 20% of the population has extra tastebuds that make broccoli taste awful. I don’t think you want to take the chance that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is one of those 20%…you could end up with a bullet in the brain.

And seriously…I know I can’t be the only one who upon reading “sticks and carrots” immediately thought “twig and berries!” Now there is something that might actually work! I don’t want to point fingers or anything…but have you seen Mahmoud Ahmadinejad lately? He’s a fruit if I ever saw one. I mean…he’s a closet fruit of course because if he admitted it he’d have to have his own self killed. And please let me clarify, I say fruit in a good way. I have friends who are fruits and I love them.

Here’s a shout out to all my fruits out there! Love you bitches!
Anyway, I think I’m going to write BHO a letter and let him know that I really think he should explore the twig and berries angle. Not that the sticks and carrots thing isn’t good…I just think if we spice it up a little with some man on man love, we might actually be able to put terrorism to bed for good…hahahahaha…get it…

I think if BHO loves this country as much as he says, he should be willing to take one for the team. So here’s my pledge…if I can get BHO to agree to have man-sex with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad then I will vote Democrat in this election. I will have to scrub myself with a brilo pad afterward, but I will do it…because if gay sex won’t rid the world of terror…nothing will.

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