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Mall musings and whatnot

May 9, 2009

Perhaps one of my least favorite activities is visiting the mall. I’d rather get anal fissures than have to step foot inside the mall. But, given the fact that tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I’m the older sister, it was my obligation to make sure the brothers got Mom something appropriate. So to the mall we went.

Barnes & Noble was packed – but I was fortunate enough to see a portly young man wearing a purple ThunderCats t-shirt that was roughly 2 sizes too small for his frame. I swear – I waited for him to pass me before I laughed.

Then it was off to the Hallmark store – which was a giant boondoggle. Going into a card shop the day before mother’s day? I’ve never seen so many people trying to pick out the perfect card for Mom. You know, the one that expresses in no way how you actually feel, but are convinced will make your mom tear up.

As if THOSE two places weren’t bad enough – I had to step foot inside Bath & Body Works. Now, don’t get me wrong, I highly enjoy the products, but I much prefer it when people just give them to me without me ever actually having to go in the store. We immediately spotted a table with gift baskets labeled 40% off (cause we love a bargain) and decided to check it out. There was one small problem – the family of 37 people who were all congregating around said table. It almost looked a bit cultish to me – but I wasn’t surprised – bargains ARE a religion for some people. I was able to penetrate the wall these people had formed around the table and grabbed a lovely gift. No one has to know I picked it because it was the first think I touched. Oh, but that’s not all. Because checking out at Bath & Body Works is the most fun part. Especially when someone is line-straddling – you know what I mean? The person who refuses to commit to one line or the other, so they stand in the middle and throw the entire operation off? She’s lucky I didn’t say something – I’ve been known to have check-out line confrontations before.

It wasn’t all bad though – I successfully navigated the entire mall without ever once making eye contact with a kiosk employee. I was at no point tempted to hop on one of the coin-operated kiddie rides. I didn’t fall down (which believe me, is an accomplishment no matter where I am). No one asked me to fill out a survey, and I only said “I like the taste of ass” loud enough for a few people to hear me.

Oh, and the best part, I got my recommended daily allowance of MSG! That’s right folks, I partook in the delights of the food court and ate at Panda Express. Because I don’t frequent the mall often and due to the fact that all I had consumed at that point was a bowl of Raisin Bran and a cucumber sandwich, I figured mall food wouldn’t kill me. So here’s to hoping that’s true! And I know what you’re thinking (I’m so sure it’s not ‘why won’t she stop talking about the stupid mall already’) – this CAN’T be the entire story. Well you’re right. Because as I was eating my soggy noodles and eavesdropping on surrounding conversation, I realized there was something off about my cup:

I find something quite off-putting about a panda bear fantasizing about live chickens. And please note, said panda is licking his lips. Does anyone sense a creepy chicken-molester vibe here? I do. I turned the cup around for the duration of my meal. There are just some things I don’t need to think about when I’m eating.

~T the D

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